A month has past...

I read other peoples blogs and think "I wish my life was entertaining enough to write every other day!" I have friends who have kids and write funny stories about their kids, others who are traveling and exploring the world, some who just do exciting things every week/ weekend and I think "My life is lame!"

The past month is starting to feel like a blur to me. I have had a lot of moments, deep realizations that I am going to start challenging myself to really unveil. But bare with me, it will take time. I have been in intense rehearsals with Holly Johnston/LEDGES AND BONES and basically the long story somewhat short (more details in future post) is that we have discovered that I hold in a lot, I keep anger inside, intimacy hidden, and I have taken a lot of burns in my college years as a dancer and those comments are now buried deep in my body memory and need to escape. Not joking, dance is therapy these days. Its no longer about setting up for a performance, right now I am setting up to let go of all of the things that have built up in my body to make my body "Strong as a Rock" vs "Strong as a dolphin"

Rock vs Dolphin?
In college I was the "male role" a lot. I was a "base" and would be available to lift people and let people climb all over me and very rarely was I the focus part of work. I was the supporter. And through the years I have realized that the supporting role has taken place on and off the dance floor and I have become really good about hiding behind others in order to make them look good and I have continued to be strength and stable force. What I never really realized, that strength doesn't mean I need a six pack and big bulky arms, but strength comes much deeper in the body and comes with mobility (which bulk does not allow you to have). I currently have a body of the rock. I am the stable force that people can lean on, climb on, be held by but I am heavy and weighted towards the ground. You look at the movement of a dolphin and you see the strength, you see the beauty of it jumping in and out of water, the curves, the mobility in the spine, but fluidity to emerge in and out of situations and to be strong but not bulky/ dented like a rock. A dolphin is smooth, long and beautiful.

Holly is challenging me to really expose all, to be a dolphin and no longer a supporter but center focus. To start feeling beautiful, sexy and sensual as well as find strength, mobility and the confidence that I am capable of anything.

In the past week I have had about 45 hours of rehearsals (on top of working 40+ hours at Dancers' Group) and I have discovered so many internal inhibitions/ insecurities that I didn't even realize I had. Needless to say there were a lot of tears. A lot of realizations have been reveled and I must say, I am continuously amazed at how clearly Holly sees me. She sees the places that people have criticized in the past and she is able to pin point parts on my body that hold tension that I never even knew existed. She really is not only a dancer/ choreographer but she is basically a somatics therapist. (while she isn't trained in therapy I would HIGHLY recommend anyone to this therapy practice if you want to really get deep into issues).

So I am going to use time on the blog to start letting go. First and foremost I need to stop over-thinking (which the blog doesn't help me do) but I am hoping that I can work on me and my body and the way to let go of all the thoughts I can start writing more and reflecting on the changes, challenges and the road ahead. Its time that I don't hold in all of my thoughts for my body to hold and store, but to let go and find the pure flow in the body. No more bulk in this body, pure energy flowing without getting lost and trapped.

Holly and I realized that while Columbia did teach me a lot and I am forever thankful for that school, I also hold a lot of anger and resentment to a handful of teachers who made those very sensitive comments and were too lazy to really take the time to learn about bodies that were different than their own. When I look back at images of me in High school I was lean and long and did not hold bulk, I was allowed to feel when I danced and it was never an issue...but college really did damage to me and my body...

So to all those college teachers who...

• said I was "fat"
• said I had no flexibility
• criticized my turn out
• said I was Hyperextended but never taught me how to properly stand so I ended up working out of my ball and socket hip
• said my ribs were always splayed open vs taking them time to look at my body and realize that I am wide in the ribs and that because of your lazy teaching I have broken my ribs and hold so much tension in fear in my chest rather than opening it up and being free to move.
• pushed my shoulders down but ended up compressing my back and lats due to unclear teaching
• called me "the man" in work vs realizing I was a strong and able female and didn't need to take on a masculine body just because of my strength
• told me I ask too many question and told me to just "imitate them"
• had no belief that I was anything more than just a "smart dancer" but not a smart and beautiful dancer...

I am letting go. I am deeply delving into all of those sensitive, scared and far to overprotected places and I am exposing. I am exposing my body. I will no longer be defined as anything but beautiful and I will make people fall in love with me while I move. I will no longer be the "fat dancer" I will no longer except a role just because "I am the only one strong enough to do it." I will be the dancer that I know I am hidden deep inside and I will not worry about taking a risk, falling and discovering. Perfection is no longer what I strive for, realism is all I want. I want to feel. I want to trust. I want to no longer think through movement. I want to let my body finally take the drivers seat and my mind will go for the ride. I will be beautiful, I am beautiful, I am no longer listening to those who challenged me to believe anything else.