A Change

Let me first start by saying "Mom, how did you stand me when I was growing up and a huge old slob?!" When I moved into my first apartment at 19 in Downtown Chicago it didn't take long for me to realize that making a mess is not okay if I have to clean it :)

I would say I go through times where messy doesn't bother me because I am so busy, but for the

most part, I am kind of a clean freak. I wake up early on Saturday mornings just to clean. I mean deep deep clean. Our TINY little place usually takes me a good 3 hours to clean, so its probably a good thing we don't have more space otherwise it would take me all day! And while I love my boyfriend very much, he has never been one for cleaning. Before I moved in with him I was the one who would do dishes, vacuum and dust oh and do his laundry! So I am not sure why I thought that would change once I moved in, foolish of me I suppose. But because it doesn't bother him if there is dust, or the carpet is messy, or clothes aren't folded etc, I don't really expect him to go crazy cleaning on his days off like I do.

For the past 4 months I have been the primary housekeeper and he is the cook. And I would gladly do all these chores in order to not cook, but sometimes a little help would be nice. I have been warned by many that you can't change your man and to not hold my breath that he will change but I am gladly here to say that he is improving!

The past couple of weeks have been insane and I haven't had any time so things have been changing. Typically when I get back from a weekend in LA I walk into a room with dirty dishes, beer bottles around, clothes all over the floor, and Paul fast asleep with the TV and lights on. This week was

different though and it was the complete opposite. He even did Laundry 2 weeks in a row (well washed it, which is a challenge when I have very strict rules on what gets washed with what, what air dries, and what kind of water you use!)

Tuesday night I got home before him (he had pool league and I only stayed for his first 2 out of 4 games) to find a very Paul note, a clean coffee table and no clothes on the chair (which I think he often mistakes for the laundry hamper...cause they look so similar!)

I am proud to say though that Paul is learning and I am no longer the

my face turned bright red...how long could that brush been there. I mean it had to be over a year, but my guess is more like 2 or 3 years...eek! So apparently my cleaning still does need some help huh? only one with chores. We help each other, take turns and both equally enjoy the clean room now!

And just to share, and prove that he really did clean clean and not just surface clean, there was a random hair brush on the coffee table and I asked him where it came from. I mean the unrealistic me was like "What girl did you have here and WHY did she need a hair brush!" Foolish, I know, he calmly said "umm...When I was cleaning I found that brush in the chair." I did recognize it, and it did have hair ties around it like I use to do when I needed a hairbrush, about 3 years ago...so my only conclusion is that that hair brush had been suck in the chair for a good 3 year yeas...yikes... embarrassing!

On The Road Again

This past weekend we wen't down to LA for the first time in a while and Wow, what a company we have right now. I mean not only are they all talented, they are some of the most loving, caring and FUNNY people I have ever spent time with.

The current car ride down to LA is:
Katharine: Our super awesome apprentice who got her degree at Stanford in Physics!

Ro: A mid 30's Mexican who is the baby of 14 kids in his family, immigrated to America as a teenager, started dancing later in life, Has his masters from Cal State Long beach, teaches at St. Mary's College (and many many more things)

Andrew: Ro's partner in life, a yogi, super passionate about life and people, LOVES clothes and anything to do with clothes. (I mean, has a "costume trunk" in the trunk of his car for those "Just in case moments") and LOVES musical Theater! He also lived in Iowa for his Jr. High days and so we have a very special bond :)

And of course, me Katharine driving in traffic

The random traffic in the middle of the 5!

In the past 2 years I have experienced a number of different car rides to and from "LaLa Land" but this past weekend was for sure a highlight. Through beat up bodies, complete exhaustion, crazy random traffic and purely sitting in a car for 7 hours, I had a blast.

The beauty about Andrew on road trips is that he is always up for a creative fun game and with him, there is never a dull moment. Some highlighted games include:

• Catch Phrase- this takes me back to high school days as this use to be our go to game to play! We don't play teams or timed, just play. We all go about it much differently though so its hilarious! Andrew likes to give you the full picture, create images for you (that have nothing to do with the word and in fact usually take longer than it needs to). For instance, he once took our imaginations over to Britain and told to think about the way they speak and what they say...everyone was guessing phrases but nope, the word was "English." And nope, he couldn't just say "this is the language we speak." Ro on the other was born and partly raised in Mexico, he didn't learn English till he was a teenager and so there are plenty of American phrases that he just doesn't get, so he is really good about just breaking down words and getting you stay something like "Chicago White Sox" (they might be a sporting team? umm, you put these on your feet...they are not black but ...." oh its too funny and hours of entertainment!
• Famous Person- its like 20 questions where you only ask "yes" or "no" questions but again, we don't put a limit on number of questions you ask. This one is funny because almost always you will get "were they famous" and everyone will laugh at you since the name of the game is "famous person."
  
• What song is this word in- a brilliantly fun game for Andrew and me the musical theater lovers, but it isn't limited to Musical Theater. One person says a word and you have to come up with a song/ sing the song that that word is in! oh this starts to be the break out into many bad vocals by all parties.The best one this last trip was meek/ sophisticated Katharine (Who does not stay present with Pop culture things and has never even owned a TV) broke out into a punk rock song with the word "black" in it. We all couldn't contain ourselves when she "Sang/ Yelled" it!
• Say the same word- This is a challenge. Basically, how well do you know your friends/ loved ones/ co-workers etc. This is a game of total mind reading! When Andrew first explained it we all looked at him like he was insane. I'm pretty sure he simply said "Okay you think of a word and I think of the same word and we will say it at the same time." Umm...hmm...But I'm tell you, you start to really channel each other and you will in fact say the same word. The best is having Andrew on side (when its not his turn) saying "Oh I totally have it, come on guys you so have it." This game can really keep you occupied for hours as sometimes it takes a lot longer than you wish to guess the same word!

By the end of the trip, Andrew is playing DJ and we are all counting down the miles till we get home. When the 88 mile sign appears we all scream for joy! hurray! only 1.5 hours left! On the flip side, that time is usually the slowest as we all mentally check out and day dream of our beds, loved ones and sleep!

I can honestly say though (while exhausted from the trips) I am already ready for the next road trip adventure with these lovely people. They are really creating memories for me that I will never forget!

Sleeping

Paul and I always make fun of each other and on how we sleep. I am usually up hours and hours after he goes to sleep and always make fun of him on how he falls asleep. When he goes to the bed he usually takes up the whole bed and I have to request for him to move over when I am ready to climb in next to him. But these days (now that we have gotten cable and internet) he has really enjoyed sitting in the big comfy chair watching tv and scanning the internet. This usually means he passes out in the chair before I can get him to move over to the bed.

The other night I couldn't resist taking this picture before waking him up to go to bed. He was cradling the remote, had his nintendo ds open and running and on the computer he was looking up strategies for his game (yep he is 26).

I finally woke up him up to go to bed and asked him if I could turn off his game and he quickly said no and woke up. He looked around, grabbed the cheez-its and took a handfull to put in his mouth, chewed and within minutes was back to snoring and fast asleep.

There was not much time that passed between these two images but I couldn't help but laugh and take photos.

Now since living together he has been the victim of many pictures taken by me when he sleeps and the other day he decided to get back at me. Its not often that I fall fast asleep before he does, but when you have 8 hours of work at a desk and 4 hours of dance, sleep by midnight sounds pretty good. The other night I guess I was guilty of being the bed hog and Paul had to capture it.

The blurry vision photo of me sleeping (and hogging the bed)

I keep saying we need to get a bigger bed, but I suppose I bigger space is probably more realistic before we can get a bigger bed. Until then, we will continue to make fun of each other and torture each other with the reality of our sleeping faults.

Weekend

Although I should have gotten my butt to Yoga this weekend...I didn't. Oh well, Yoga will be there tomorrow night :)

I did however attend the coolest 3 year olds birthday party. I know everyone's jaw is dropped that I actually willingly went and hung out with kids! Holly's (my friend/choreographer) son Sky turned 3 today so on Saturday Paul and I ventured down to Millbrae to attend his birthday party. Holly's brother in-law grilled hot dogs and burgers, there was corn on the cob, chips and beer (for the adults of course) and the little kids were all piled in the jumping castle, oh yeah, a large jumping castle in the front lawn.

Sky hitting the Elmo pinate in the jumping castle!

Sky and I had some one on one time in the jumping castle where we "played the drums" and "sang" using a bouncy ball as our microphone! He is at the age where he likes to mimic as well as have you mimic him. He is so in-tune with his body (with a mom like Holly go figure) but oh my he is a bundle of joy (and also exhausting!) His newest thing is actually to "magic you." this is when he circles his arm over and over again and says "maaagggiiicc you!" and you have to be go crazy and spin and fall to the ground! Luckily for me I had the bouncy castle so the falls were much easier :)

Sky eating his 2nd "Birthday" (he never said cupcake just called it is birthday!)

After a fun filled afternoon of just hanging out and spending time with Sky-man (who by the way lives in Long Beach so it really is a treat when I get to see him) and Holly and her family Paul and I went home and crashed. I mean really crashed. We ordered pizza and I think we were both asleep by 10pm! Seriously! I was fighting a sore throat all weekend and sneezing like crazy and afraid I was catching a cold but now I am thinking my allergies are just bad. Needless to say my body was telling me it was time to sleep off the past 2 weeks.

Sunday Paul had to work for a few hours so I just laid around and watched TV. (I mean I cleaned and did laundry but that was in between laying around!) and when he got home we walked up to Safeway and wondered around the store to buy dinner and some treats for the week. Safeweay trips are my favorite because it is right by a yogurt shop and we always get yogurt before getting groceries! Dessert first, can't go wrong with that!

Paul has never had strawberry pop-tarts with butter melted on them so we will be having that this week! It will for sure take me back to childhood, I am excited to have it with him!

We made dinner (an amazing dinner I might add) and were so excited that Aladdin was on TV and so watched and sang along to Aladdin and just lounged the rest of the night.

It was a much needed restful weekend since I don't get those very often anymore.

Now on to work for the week. It is pretty calm here though so shouldn't be too long/ stressful.

Also, thanks to you who messaged me about my last post, it really means a lot to me to have the support and love from family and friends!

A month has past...

I read other peoples blogs and think "I wish my life was entertaining enough to write every other day!" I have friends who have kids and write funny stories about their kids, others who are traveling and exploring the world, some who just do exciting things every week/ weekend and I think "My life is lame!"

The past month is starting to feel like a blur to me. I have had a lot of moments, deep realizations that I am going to start challenging myself to really unveil. But bare with me, it will take time. I have been in intense rehearsals with Holly Johnston/LEDGES AND BONES and basically the long story somewhat short (more details in future post) is that we have discovered that I hold in a lot, I keep anger inside, intimacy hidden, and I have taken a lot of burns in my college years as a dancer and those comments are now buried deep in my body memory and need to escape. Not joking, dance is therapy these days. Its no longer about setting up for a performance, right now I am setting up to let go of all of the things that have built up in my body to make my body "Strong as a Rock" vs "Strong as a dolphin"

Rock vs Dolphin?
In college I was the "male role" a lot. I was a "base" and would be available to lift people and let people climb all over me and very rarely was I the focus part of work. I was the supporter. And through the years I have realized that the supporting role has taken place on and off the dance floor and I have become really good about hiding behind others in order to make them look good and I have continued to be strength and stable force. What I never really realized, that strength doesn't mean I need a six pack and big bulky arms, but strength comes much deeper in the body and comes with mobility (which bulk does not allow you to have). I currently have a body of the rock. I am the stable force that people can lean on, climb on, be held by but I am heavy and weighted towards the ground. You look at the movement of a dolphin and you see the strength, you see the beauty of it jumping in and out of water, the curves, the mobility in the spine, but fluidity to emerge in and out of situations and to be strong but not bulky/ dented like a rock. A dolphin is smooth, long and beautiful.

Holly is challenging me to really expose all, to be a dolphin and no longer a supporter but center focus. To start feeling beautiful, sexy and sensual as well as find strength, mobility and the confidence that I am capable of anything.

In the past week I have had about 45 hours of rehearsals (on top of working 40+ hours at Dancers' Group) and I have discovered so many internal inhibitions/ insecurities that I didn't even realize I had. Needless to say there were a lot of tears. A lot of realizations have been reveled and I must say, I am continuously amazed at how clearly Holly sees me. She sees the places that people have criticized in the past and she is able to pin point parts on my body that hold tension that I never even knew existed. She really is not only a dancer/ choreographer but she is basically a somatics therapist. (while she isn't trained in therapy I would HIGHLY recommend anyone to this therapy practice if you want to really get deep into issues).

So I am going to use time on the blog to start letting go. First and foremost I need to stop over-thinking (which the blog doesn't help me do) but I am hoping that I can work on me and my body and the way to let go of all the thoughts I can start writing more and reflecting on the changes, challenges and the road ahead. Its time that I don't hold in all of my thoughts for my body to hold and store, but to let go and find the pure flow in the body. No more bulk in this body, pure energy flowing without getting lost and trapped.

Holly and I realized that while Columbia did teach me a lot and I am forever thankful for that school, I also hold a lot of anger and resentment to a handful of teachers who made those very sensitive comments and were too lazy to really take the time to learn about bodies that were different than their own. When I look back at images of me in High school I was lean and long and did not hold bulk, I was allowed to feel when I danced and it was never an issue...but college really did damage to me and my body...

So to all those college teachers who...

• said I was "fat"
• said I had no flexibility
• criticized my turn out
• said I was Hyperextended but never taught me how to properly stand so I ended up working out of my ball and socket hip
• said my ribs were always splayed open vs taking them time to look at my body and realize that I am wide in the ribs and that because of your lazy teaching I have broken my ribs and hold so much tension in fear in my chest rather than opening it up and being free to move.
• pushed my shoulders down but ended up compressing my back and lats due to unclear teaching
• called me "the man" in work vs realizing I was a strong and able female and didn't need to take on a masculine body just because of my strength
• told me I ask too many question and told me to just "imitate them"
• had no belief that I was anything more than just a "smart dancer" but not a smart and beautiful dancer...

I am letting go. I am deeply delving into all of those sensitive, scared and far to overprotected places and I am exposing. I am exposing my body. I will no longer be defined as anything but beautiful and I will make people fall in love with me while I move. I will no longer be the "fat dancer" I will no longer except a role just because "I am the only one strong enough to do it." I will be the dancer that I know I am hidden deep inside and I will not worry about taking a risk, falling and discovering. Perfection is no longer what I strive for, realism is all I want. I want to feel. I want to trust. I want to no longer think through movement. I want to let my body finally take the drivers seat and my mind will go for the ride. I will be beautiful, I am beautiful, I am no longer listening to those who challenged me to believe anything else.