Struggles

Something that is always a struggle for a performer/ dancer (in my case) is the issues of body image. I have been so lucky in my life to have never been in a situation where I needed to be stick skinny. If I was a ballet dancer, yes, I would have to slim WAY down, but there are many reasons why I am not a ballet dancer, and one is that I love the freedom of bodies in modern dance and I hate the cookie cutter body of a ballerina.

I have made it 24 years, almost to 25 with never having to worry about a diet or being told I am "too fat" from a choreographer, thank goodness. I work out on a daily bases and try to continue training, and because of that, I am usually able to eat anything i want (in proportion). I'll admit that I would slim down even more if I left out fried foods, coffees, ice cream and chips; but I love those things and since I don't consume them everyday (except for coffee), I figure why not indulge once in awhile. And really Paul does most of the cookie and none of it is that "unhealthy." The white rice should probably be changed to brown rice, but with Paul, that will never happen so I just eat a little less rice than he does. Really though, rice is the only carbohydrate we consume. We eat meat and veggies every night, not that unhealthy right?

A month or so ago I had my first nude photoshoot. I was actually planning to blog about it, but there was too much to tell and too little time to write about it. Ledges and Bones (the LA/SF company I dance for) had an amazing underwater nude photoshoot that I took part of. I have never wanted to perform nude, still don't, but the photoshoot was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. Everyone in the company felt safe together and comfortable together and it was a brilliant environment to be apart of.

Holly, the artistic director of Ledges and Bones, has always supported everyone's bodies. Never have we needed to lose weight or worry about our image, until recently. A couple of ladies in the company have been fluctuating in body weight, enough to visually see, and because of that, we have all been asked to "Slim our bodies down and enhance our muscular structure." This request wasn't really given as an over time request but rather we have another photo/video shoot in a month and we better be looking our best.

I have had numerous conversations about this with co-workers, fellow dancers and Paul. All who really feel the same way as I do about the idea of "diets" and "weight loss." I think the hardest part of the whole thing is that over the summer when I was in really great shape, probably the best in my life, I was told my body structure was starting to look "manly" and I needed to stop working out as much. So I cut down yoga, pilates and weight lifting in half, and unfortunately my stomach isn't as buff, along with my arms, but I am more "flabby" then I was.

So I am now in a limbo of where do I go from here. Not only is the request to become more muscular hard enough to hear, but realizing that I am heading back to the great MidWest in less than 10 days really makes me nervous. Lets me honest, I have very little self control, and by very little I mean NO self control. I love food and frankly I honestly feel very confident in my body. Its hard to try to change my body when I am not feeling great about it, but its even harder to change it when I am feeling pretty good in my body.

Therefore, I need to find motivation, focus and control to slim down and build muscles up. My co-worker Maureen suggested that I try the "5 small meals a day" diet, but whew that is gonna be hard for someone who really only eats 2 meals a day and a few coffee breaks in the middle :)

The other thing that she suggested was to partner up with friends in a food challenge. She has done diet like competitions with friends and family from all over to help encourage healthy eating, and a better "lifestyle." I need to get over the fact that I think diets tend to be bull shit before I can start, but I suppose tis the season.

Once I figure out the best way to slim down, I may be reaching out for support and team work to do it, any suggestions on how to proceed?